While listening to the radio tonight, the disk jockey was talking about a funny website: Ugly Christmas Trees.com. I went over there and the above picture was the first thing I saw.   It’s supposed to be an upside down Christmas Tree, but my first thought was, “It’s the Christmas Tornado!”

I’m sure this one will be popular in trailer parks everywhere…

Can you imagine this bimbo explaining this one to her grandchildren forty years from now?  That is, if she can get laid to bear any children in the first place!

Another “classy” tattoo

Bible verses and tramp stamps — the perfect combo!

This last one isn’t a tramp stamp, but I’m guessing the owner of these tattoos has absolutely no desire to ever get laid again:

What I’m referring to are the “Birthers”; those who believe that President Barack Obama was not born in the United States, thus making him ineligible to be President.

Do these morons not know that Obama had to have had his background thoroughly checked out before he was allowed to take the Oath of Office?

I understand that they’re not happy that Obama won the election, but is probably one of the most extreme cases of sour grapes that I’ve ever seen. These folks need to give it up, accept reality, and to get a life already.

Obama won. Their guy didn’t. Deal with it and move on.

I do have to admit, however, that I laughed when even Neal Boortz called them “moonbats”, then whined that they were making conservatives look bad. Well, Boortz and others of his ilk do a pretty good job of that all by themselves, but I suppose a some contributions from the Looney Tunes section of the Republican Party can’t hurt, either.

The Beer Dump – Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper’s tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn’t matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump – Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your ass feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump – Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, “DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?” you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump – In case you didn’t know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don’t ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump – This is the masterpiece of dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that’s going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump – You’re done…you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no, someone would say “Where are the curtains?” Then what would you say? The rug?…too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every “empty roll dumper” must face…Pull up your slacks, tighten your ass and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump – You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your ass with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump – You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn’t pretty, but you’ve gotta do what you gotta do.

The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump – This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn’t going to get any better. You wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming “Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf”. You realize you’ll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump – The phrase “Shit Happens” really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you’d be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump – You’re just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16…damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump – You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump – You have enough on your mind when you’re in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can’t reach to do this…hum loudly

The Cling-On Dump – For the most part you’ve completed your dump, but there’s one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You’re getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors

The Houdini Dump – You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where’d it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe…maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you’d better, because if you don’t, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in

The Flu Dump – You feel so bad that you don’t know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again…up down up down. Don’t you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump – Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin”. Its claustrophobic and it smells bad…best advice…go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump – In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn’t create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That’s right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You’ve only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you’re a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump – No matter how much you wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump – You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there…love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump – Ahhhh, you’re done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world’s record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump – This is a dump that’s going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I’ll take up religion” you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth…you forget the pain quickly.

Turtle Shit
The kind of shit that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Spinal Tap Shit
That’s the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Liquid Shit, aka The Hershey Squirts
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

The Surprise Shit
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS—shit!

Fisherman’s Bobber Shit
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line

Recently, while zapping yet another nasty teeth ad, I began wondering what are some of the most-zapped internet ads by Firefox users.

Below are included some of the nasty ads I zap most often.   Please vote for what you think is the nastiest ad that you’d be most likely to zap in the comment box below:

Warning: Look away now if you have a weak stomach!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

1.

2.

3.

4.

Cheer up — things could most definitely be worse.

In Japan, the budget-minded frequently resort to capsule hotels, which give you about the same amount of space that a coffin gets in a mausoleum niche.

You leave your luggage at the front desk, where you are assigned a capsule and a locker to store your clothes and other items you wish to keep close by.  There is a communal bath and a public area to watch TV and use vending machines, before you retire to your capsule for the night.

Though this is an interesting idea on a densely populated island nation, I can’t see capsule hotels catching on in Western nations.  I’m getting claustrophobia just looking at the pictures!

“I had four kids in the same year. Twice.” Hatchett admitted.

According to the Huffington Post, Hatchett was in court last week, appearing on the docket 11 times in regards to 15 of the 21 children who he’s not paid child support for on a timely basis.

Though the guy is a Darwinian success and is assured of a large number of descendants to carry one his genes, I couldn’t help but wonder what the fuck was he thinking.  I do know, however, which head he was thinking with.

My comment to the Huffington Post article follows below:

Now, I can’t blame the guy for wanting to get laid a lot with a wide variety of women. I’ve had a rather large number of lovers over the years, myself.

However, in 30+ years of being sexually active, I have only ONE child. I know what a condom is for and I’m not afraid to use them.

I raised the one child I had to adulthood, and wasn’t interested, nor did I have the financial resources, to raise more. One was more than enough for me.

I’m wondering if this guy has chicken fat for brains by siring so many kids he can’t afford to support.

I have to wonder what prompts some people to turn themselves into walking freaks as this moron has.  And this guy’s story is even worse than it looks.  Not only has he turned himself into a living action figure, his arms actually popped from this extreme steroid-induced body modification.   I’m nominating this one as a future recipient of the Darwin Award

Click below  for the video.

Steroid Disaster

I wonder what’s holding that dress up?

I’m speechless on this one.